If there’s one thing I can’t stand in your lousy, vibrant, mortal world, it’s your immutable, unending desire to stay alive. Seriously, I throw everything I have at you to try and get you down on my side: cholesterol, genetics, jump scares, cheeseburgers… but you little life-loving twerps always find a way to keep those damn hearts beating!
And nothing gets under my pale decaying skin quite like Basic Life Support, or BLS! Just when I manage to stop your heart, and you’re only minutes away from sailing across the river Styx to my dark eternal kingdom, some AHA certified jerk pops up and implements a series of proven, life saving techniques to encourage blood flow and keep oxygen supplied to your most vital systems, totally interrupting my flow!
So I think, well maybe this is just a fad. They’ll forget about BLS faster than fidget spinners and the Harlem Shake… but then I find out that medical professionals such as doctors, nurses, paramedics, CNA’s, and even DENTISTS are required to re-certify every two years! I’m starting to get bored here, people! It really gets my cloak in a twist!
But hey, I know humans like nobody else. They cut corners, they skip class, and they really hate boring technical instruction, right? Well, turns out I’m screwed again, because those stupid geniuses over at Safety and Health Solutions actually provide courses that people think are engaging and FUN! Can you believe that? If you ask me, “fun” is a colorless, damp void with the distant sounds of chains being dragged across jagged rocks, but I guess to each his own. Freaks.
Meanwhile, my customer base is plummeting. Everybody’s talking about the great economy, but nobody thinks about Poor Old Death! The more people that get BLS, CPR, and AED training, the more I sit around on my skullthrone just waiting for something to do. Apparently the chances of surviving cardiac arrest nearly double when a bystander administers CPR! Fortunately for me, only about 46% of people who have cardiac arrest outside of a hospital receive bystander CPR. So as long as more people don’t take classes to prepare themselves to save a life in their home, workplace, classroom, or community, I’ve still got customers!
So please understand, nobody is a bigger threat to me, The Grim Specter of Death himself, than Safety and Health Solutions! If you’re a medical professional who’s trying to put me out of a job, then by all means, re-certify with their exciting, up to date AHA-certified BLS courses. And even if you don’t work in hospitals, learning CPR from them is enough to ruin all my plans to pop up unexpectedly in your community! All these life saving techniques you’re learning are enough to make me rethink my whole line of work. Death out!